Sometimes Life Sucks

Hello everyone. Brian here. I thought I would take a little time to tell everyone what's going on with my dad. Back in October, we moved him out here to Arizona. He has Alzheimer's Disease, so he has not been able to live on his own for about 5 years now. He was living at an Assisted Living Facility in Florida for a few years, and then in October of 2007 we moved him out here to live in an Assisted Living Facility here in Phoenix. Things had been going pretty well. The place is very nice. The nurses and aides there are very nice. We got him all set up with the Phoenix Veterans Association so that he could get all of his medical care and medications for free. Things were good. However, Alzheimer's is a degenerative disease, and it seems to be progressing very quickly in him. He just turned 65 in May, so he is not an old man. But this disease has deteriorated his brain so fast and so badly, that now his body is beginning to shut down. It kind of started about 2 months ago when he fell and hit his head. He was taken to the local hospital. They treated him for a head abrasion and sent him on his way. But the nurses at the ALF noticed that he just wasn't himself. He was having trouble standing, and he wasn't eating. So I took him to the VA hospital and they admitted him. He spent 4 weeks there while a team of doctors tried to solve a number of issues. When they finally released him, it was clear that he was not as healthy as he used to be. They had installed a catheter because his bladder was retaining too much urine. He was no longer standing or walking on his own. He had lost weight. It was obvious that he was deteriorating fast. The VA doctor had a very frank discussion with me and told me that she figured he had about 6 months to live. She said that he would most likely develop and infection of some sort, and given his condition, it would be best to just let it take him. That's a very odd conversation to have with a doctor, but I'm glad that she was so honest with me. She was right. His quality of life is basically nonexistent at this point. When he was healthy, he had a living will written up which clearly states that he does not want any life prolonging measures. So not only is it the doctor's opinion, but it's his opinion as well. Since the time that he was released from the hospital, he has been back at the ALF. However, now he is receiving hospice care. That basically means that they give him medications and treatments to make him comfortable, but they do not treat any infections or sicknesses that might arise. All of his caregivers are fully aware that he has a Do Not Resuscitate order. That means that if he stops breathing, they are not to revive him. It's the closest thing to euthanasia that our society will currently allow. In the past 3 days, he has deteriorated even more. Yesterday he starting refusing to eat. I visited him yesterday and today. I will visit him every day this week. I really don't know how much longer he will live.

It's hard for me to talk about this, so I guess it's somewhat therapeutic to put here. It's an odd feeling to know that I will soon be an orphan. My mom died unexpectedly in 1999. Now my father is dying. The two people that brought me into this world will be gone. Mentally, my dad has not been here for a while. It has been almost 2 years since I have been able to have a somewhat coherent conversation with him, but at least he has been physically here. I'm not sure how I will feel when he is completely gone. Will I be relieved? Relieved that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. Will I be angry? Angry that he was never a good father and his mind failed him before he decided to be better. Will I be lonely? Lonely without the two people that know more about my early childhood than anyone else on earth. Will I be regretful? Regretful that I was never able to achieve a meaningful father/son relationship with him. In reality, I will be all of those things.